Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
