I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
