i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Come on in and take your pants off
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