Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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