Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I need moral support for this bender
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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