She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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