I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
