You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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