hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
