please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
