I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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