Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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