allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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