if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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