I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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