He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
