How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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