I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
