My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
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He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
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doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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