Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
