I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
