I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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