Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You pole danced in your parka.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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