I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
