i wish my penis had a tongue
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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