it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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