just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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