what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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