I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Randomize
