I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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