Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
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in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
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Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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