Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
