So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
