im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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