Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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