I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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