Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
