Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
