I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
