I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
