Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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