She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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