he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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