if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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