Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
