I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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