i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
