You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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