God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
