Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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