I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
