I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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