Apparently you make a good broom.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
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