There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
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There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
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I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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