Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
