Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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