I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
