I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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