I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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