hotel room ftw
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
