Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
